*this is another repost from my old blog that I felt inspired to repost*
Several of my friends have told me that I need to write an article giving dating advise. Honestly, I don’t think I’m the most appropriate person to do this. I have been single for over 10 years and my marriage was my last long term relationship, it did not last very long and I’ve been getting rejected a lot lately. Therefore, I just don’t think I qualify to be giving advise. However, I have learned what NOT to do and have learned a lot of things that I can share. So please don’t look at this as advice. They are really more like suggestions based on all my “f ups and experience!” 🙂
1. Know what you want. This is by far the most important thing. Men,if your not looking for a relationship, then don’t get involved with a lady that is because she will end up getting hurt. Look inside of you and decide what it is you want and search for a person that wants the same thing.
Ladies, if you want a relationship, then don’t get involved with a man that is not wanting one-no matter how cute he may be or how much money he has-you are going to get hurt! (You will NOT be able to change him so do NOT give into that myth!! MOVE ON!)
Everyone needs to be considerate and respectful of each other. Knowing what you want saves you from wasting a lot of time and heartache in the future.
2 Respect yourself. This is especially for online dating. Ladies, I don’t know how many of my male friends have complained to me about women on dating sites that put entirely too revealing pictures of themselves on their profiles- and then complain they “can’t find a good man”. Think about this for a minute, ladies. What kind of men do you think your going to attract doing that? Recently, I had a male friend tell me that on the 10th text of a girl he met online, she started sending him sexy pictures. They had never met or even spoken on the phone yet. A quality man will not accept that kind of behavior! Yes, sexy pics are fun-with someone that you are in a relationship with and trust–but not with someone you barely know! You are not going to get any respect from a good man doing that! Also ladies, do you REALLY want to be sending sexy pics to men you don’t know and trust? How do you know that they won’t turn around and post those pics on the internet, share with their friends etc. THINK ladies THINK!!!!!
Men,no penis pics please!!! The same concept applies to you. NO quality women wanting a meaningful relationship is going to tolerate that. Let me share something with you men. I’ve been a RN for 16 years and I’ve seen and medically handled more male members then I care to admit-in all shapes, colors and sizes! I’ve seen it all. When I get a picture of a penis from a man that I don’t know, I assume that he’d like suggestions on what size Foley catheter he needs and I reply back accordingly! The only time I see a penis in a sexual way is when I’m exclusively dating a guy that I’m really into. If not, it does absolutely nothing for me and it doesn’t make yourself look very good! Also guys, women can share those penis pics on the internet etc too, so you also need to THINK!!
3 Accept your flaws. None of us are perfect. We all have flaws. Look inside of you and discover yours. To me, this is a very important thing to know about yourself if you want to get into a healthy relationship. For example: I get bitchy when I’m hungry and tired. Also, I’m guarded and I hide behind my sarcasm and absolutely hate showing vulnerability and opening myself up. The more I like a guy, the worse that it is. However, once I took a look inside and accepted that, I was then able to own it, admit it and now I’m working towards changing it so I don’t chase away another one. I also accept my physical flaws- my left eye muscles/nerves are screwed up and I need to do more lower ab exercises. I’m aware of ALL of this and accept them all. Now that I do, no one can hold any of them against me. WHEN YOU ARE AWARE OF YOUR FLAWS NO ONE-AND I MEAN NO ONE-CAN HOLD THEM AGAINST YOU!
4. Let go of the past. How are you going to have a future if you are still clinging on to what was or what could have been? I have friends that will stalk their ex’s FB and social pages,ride in front of their houses etc. Why? What are they looking for and hoping to see? What will that change? WHY hold on? I don’t understand it, really. If they do see something significant, then what? DO NOT DO THIS! The only thing this will accomplish is throwing you into insanity and heartache and it will prevent you from moving on with your life. How do I know this? I HAVE DONE IT, when I was younger, stupid and didn’t know any better! I’ve learned the hard way that it’s better to just cut the ties and move on! SO DON’T DO THAT-EVER, JUST DON’T! You deserve to move on to bigger and better things!
A few months ago on FB, I had a guy that I talked to on a dating site keep popping up in my “People I may know”. I, for the life of me, couldn’t understand why. It made me paranoid because I was scared he was going to see it and think that I had been searching/stalking him. I would delete him from the list but his profile would keep popping back up. I did some research and found out how FB generates that list. One of the many things FB uses is your contact list on your phone so if you are using the FB phone app FB will pull your contact info. After doing the research, I remembered that several months prior, I had hung out with this guy. He had given me his number via the dating site so I could let him know when I arrived. On that particular day, I had problems with the site’s mobile app not opening up my messages so I stored his number in my contact list in case I wasn’t able to pull it up when I needed to text him. As soon as I remembered, I still had his number I deleted it. BOOM, DONE! He has never popped up in my list again! I’m not wasting my time and energy on someone that obviously doesn’t want me in their life. While I was going through my contact list, I found lots of other numbers from past guys and I deleted them ALL. It was very liberating and felt like I was doing some sort of spiritual cleansing! Why hold on to that when none of them want me around? If any of them do decide they want me around and/or want to know me better they will let me know. In the meantime, “bye Felicia!” I have a life to live! 🙂
5 Do not settle! One of my favorite Janice Joplin quotes: “You are what you settle for”. Don’t and I mean do not settle for less then what you deserve. Don’t be with someone just for the sake of being with someone! It will make you miserable and people will ultimately get hurt! You deserve to be with someone that meets your needs and is on your level. You shouldn’t have to settle. I, too, have personal experience with this and I was very unhappy and the outcome was not positive. These situations never generate good outcomes!
Ladies, do not get involved with a man because of financial reasons! If you need more money, then go back to school, get a better job etc. Don’t put yourself in a situation that you have to financially depend on a man! This will only trap you and force you to have to “accept what you can get” in order to make ends meet. Take care of you and learn how to be financially self sufficient!
6. Get yourself together!!! You can not have a healthy relationship if you are not emotionally healthy yourself! If you are depressed, having problems with addictions, struggling with other emotional/ mental disorders and/or having problems “letting go” then please seek out help for yourself. If you don’t address these things you will not only continue to be unhappy but also will also continue to have dysfunctional relationships! Healthy relationships require two emotionally healthy people. Always remember that! Also, when you are struggling ,your focus needs to be on yourself anyway-not on finding someone that you think will “save you”. The only person that can “save you” is yourself and a power greater then yourself . If you are not happy by yourself, then you will not be happy with another person. Your self worth and happiness should NEVER be placed on someone else!! When you place dependence on others for these things, you are setting yourself up for a personal crisis! Learn how to be ok and happy with you FIRST. You can not have a happy and healthy relationship otherwise. I’m speaking all of this from a very compassionate and loving place because I have had my own personal struggles in the distant past. If you are struggling with any of those and need to reach out to someone, please feel free to contact me. I’m not here to judge you- just to offer my experience, strength and hope.
7. You attract what you promote. This is pretty simple. If you are a negative person you will attract negative unhappy unhealthy people.If you have a lot of drama in your life then you will attract other people with a lot of drama. However, if you are a positive person you will attract other positive, supporting uplifting people. So, if you are tired of attracting the wrong people and want to attract the right ones then maybe you need to take a long look at yourself and examine what it is you need to change. This all goes hand in hand with the next item I’d like to discuss and I will provide my own personal experience to shed more light.
8. Accept responsibility for your past screwed up relationships! No matter how bad the other person was and/or what they did and/or how they treated you, YOU made the decision to be with them! I know that this is hard for some people to hear but it is the truth. Instead of whining, complaining and making yourself out to be a victim of circumstance look within and examine the role that you played. We ALL have a part to play in every relationship that have been/are in!
For example, up until last year, all I attracted were men that were emotionally unavailable, negative, did not want relationships and/or commitment phobics. One day, I decided that I was tired of becoming involved with those types so I took a long look at myself. What I discovered was that I, myself, was emotionally unavailable and had a fear of commitment. It is so true that birds of a feather flock together and again,you attract what you promote! I can go on for days about the things these men did and how they treated me badly but I PICKED them!!! Not only did I pick them but I also ignored all the red flags! I was not in a healthy place at the time. If you are not in a healthy place, you can not make healthy decisions! Instead of whining about my bad choices, I choose to accept responsibility, learn from it and move on to better and bigger things!
I also refuse to have any negative people in my life today. They suck the life right out of you and can draw you into their “circle” and before you know it the whole unhealthy pattern starts all over again. I’m always there for people when they are going through a difficult time but I refuse to allow myself to get drawn in emotionally. Recently, I blocked a guy from ever contacting me again because he tried to play mind games with me. I just simply do not have time for that kind of bs and negativity in my life. Getting caught up in all that brings you right back to the start of the “cycle” and that’s not a place that I want be again!
So, to wrap things up, if you want to break the cycle of having dysfunctional relationships and attracting the wrong kind of people, then take responsibility for your part, take a look at yourself and change what needs to be changed. Otherwise, you will continue the same cycle over and over again!!
9. Be approachable. When you are out in public and social situations, pay attention to the type of vibes that you may be sending out. If you are not smiling and keeping to yourself, some people may see that as a sign that you do not want to be bothered with. However, if you are smiling, friendly and engaging, people will feel comfortable around you and want to approach you.
10. Attraction is better than promotion. This ties in to number 8. If you are happy, positive and friendly, you will not have to go out your way to draw people in. You will naturally attract people without having to do all kinds of crazy attention seeking behaviors to get it. Attraction is always better than promotion!!
11. Believe that you are worthy! We, as humans, were all born equal and are ALL deserving of unconditional love and respect. It doesn’t matter if someone is a ditch digger or has a post grad degree. NO ONE IS BETTER THEN ANYONE ELSE! You have to believe in yourself and know that you are worthy and deserve great things. If you don’t, you will never achieve what you deserve and you will continue to “settle” and repeat negative patterns.
When I was around 19-20, I had a guy friend tell me that I was not the kind of girl a guy married-that instead, I was the kind of girl that was meant to be a mistress. It devastated me and even after 20 years that statement weighs heavily on my mind-especially lately with all the rejections I’ve had. It’s like that little devil that is always sitting on my shoulder waiting to be able to point it out. Today, I know that voice to be the “lie” I used to listen to the lie but I refuse to do it today. I KNOW I am worthy and deserving of unconditional and true love and I choose to live in the truth.
The “truth” is always about love and honesty and the “lie” is always about deceit and negativity. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE LIE. STAY IN THE TRUTH! We ALL deserve to live in the truth and have all the same great things. Do not buy into the lie. Believe in yourself and your worth!
12. Don’t compromise yourself! NEVER ever do this. Every time you do, you are disrespecting yourself and allowing yourself to settle! Your ideas, values and beliefs are a huge part of who you are. A person that truly loves and values you will respect and /or accept all these things. If you have to compromise any of those and/or pretend to be someone that you are not, then you are not with the right person!
In the past I have compromised myself entirely too much. All it did was take me down a path of toxic and destructive off and on again relationships that I wasted a lot of years on. I REFUSE to compromise any part of myself anymore. I am who I am, take it or leave it! 🙂
13. Listen to your gut!! I have a lot of really awesome friends that love me and want to see me with someone really great. They are always giving me advise out of love for me. Sometimes, the advise they give me and what my gut tells me is different. I love and value my friends and don’t want to let them down. So I have often gone against my gut and have done what they advised me to do. It ALWAYS ended in a disaster!
People that love you will also give you well meaning advise that comes from their heart. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is the right path for you to follow. Listen to what your gut tells you to do!!
14. Don’t force things. This is a hard one for me personally. There was a time in my life that I pretty much lived out of a 500 dollar car and worked 2-3 waitress jobs to make ends meet. I knew I was destined for better but I had to find a way to get back into school. My parents were not able to help me financially. I scraped and fought my way back to college and through my way of one of the toughest nursing programs around. None of it was easy and I had to fight and work hard for everything. Once I made it to the medical profession, I then had to fight for respect, promotions etc. So naturally, I’m used to taking matters into my own hands and making things happen. However, I forget that there’s certain things that I can not force, like a relationship. Relationships have to evolve and that happens with time. I don’t always have that kind of patience and this is the one thing that I’ve been spending a lot of time working on. If something is meant to be, it will happen naturally-without it having to be forced. When you try to force things, it actually makes things worse. Slow down, take a deep breath and just let life happen. What is meant to be will be- when it is time.
15. Ladies,don’t chase a man! If a guy is into you, he will let you know and you won’t have to work so hard for his affections! This goes along with a lot of what I stated in #14. No matter how busy a guy is or what he has going on in his life, he will answer your texts, calls etc and continue to be in touch with you if you are a priority to him. So if he’s not, then move on! You deserve to be a priority and not to be thought of as “the pain in the side girl” that won’t take a hint!
Also ladies, I know that in this day and age, it’s getting more and more common for a lady to make the first move and/or express interest first. Before you do this, please listen to your gut and be sure you are prepared if you get a rejection. I do know that there are men that actually like when women do this but there are a lot that don’t, so please be very careful with this. I have had a little bit of recent experience with this and I don’t think it’s something that I will try again. I won’t go into all the details because I talked about it in my post “Class is a lost art form” . So you can refer back to that post, if you want to know more.
For me personally, I’d rather have a man pursue me. If I spend time chasing him, then how will I know if he’s really into me or not? I’m perfectly ok with initiating a message with a guy on a dating site because it’s assumed that he wants to be contacted since he has a public profile. That’s as far as I will go though, especially after my recent experience!
Remember-if something is meant to be, it will naturally happen. If you are happy and content and living your life, the people that are meant to be in your life will naturally find their way to you-without you having to force or try to manipulate anything!
So there you have it. Remember, I’m not a professional dating coach or a therapist-. just a “terminally single” chick with a lot of experience that has learned what doesn’t work. None of the above is advise-just suggestions. You may take them to heart, take what you need, think I’m crazy etc. It’s all ok with me 🙂
Regardless of how you feel though, I want to thank you very much for reading!
Peace & love!