So about that “unavailable” status…..
Thursday, I may not have been in the best place. I don’t really know what kind of word I could use to describe myself, honestly. However, even though, I can’t put a word to my mood, I can say that I was like “whatever” and just didn’t give a f&*k.
In any case, I am much better now but I am still taking a break from dating. At this time, I’m not sure that I am ready for it as I originally thought.
I have already written and shared about how, in the past, I was very closed up, emotionally unavailable and did not want a real relationship.
The past couple of years, I have grown and changed a lot and I thought that I had moved past all of that. I have worked very hard and received a lot of spiritual intervention to get me past that.
However, I’m wondering if I’ve actually worked hard enough. I’m afraid that not all of my stones have been turned over yet.
It seems as though; men just don’t take me seriously because I seem to get passed over a lot. Instead of blaming them, I’m taking a look within to see what my actions could’ve done/continue to do for that to happen. This happens often so I’m wondering if there are vibes etc. that I’m putting out that I am not aware of.
When I was around 20 or so, I had a male friend tell me something that has stuck with me all these years. “Tiff, you are the type that men look to for fun or to be a mistress, you are not the type they look at as a wife”.
This is not true about myself but it still lingers deep in my subconscious and comes out to haunt me on bad days.
It is true that I’m very independent and on the free spirited side but it’s also true that I want to devout myself to someone.
The last thing that I want to do is to hurt someone in the way that I hurt others in the past. I want to be the person that “he” needs me to be. Also, I’m personally tired of getting hurt myself.
Hence, my choice, to take a break from dating.
I’m taking some time to reexamine myself. Dating is very difficult and confusing for me. I’m a very “straight forward thinking” person so all the “games” and trying to figure out and pick up on what men mean when they say certain things isn’t something that I’m very good at. If they don’t directly ask me out, compliment me or ask to get to know me, I assume they are not interested.
Honestly, I am not even sure if I know how to be in a relationship. It has been years since I’ve been in a long term one and I didn’t exactly have great examples when I was growing up. My marriage only lasted 4 years and it was a miracle that it lasted that long. My ex cheated on me with someone that’s around 10 years older then him and me. Obviously, I didn’t know how to give him what he needed.
I do not want any repeats from the past and as I already said, I also don’t want to get hurt again.
This doesn’t have anything to do with me feeling sorry for myself. It has to do with me needing to grow and learn more. Maybe after more growth, men will take me seriously and actually choice me instead of someone else.
Until I figure things out, I’m going to remain unavailable for a little while
So, there you go…..
Thanks for reading
Peace and love…