So, it’s been about 12 days since my last update to my “journey” so I thought I d reflect on what I’ve learned since then.
It’s just all been mind blowing to me. When you sincerely and humbly ask God to show you what you need to learn, He certainely doesn’t disappoint.
Every day, I’ve been praying and talking to Him. I’m starting to recognize all the “resistence” that Matthew Kelly talks about in his book, Resisting Happiness., that I talked about in my previous post to this one. I may not always recognize it at that very moment in time, but I am starting to realize it later and can go back and try and correct it.
What I’ve learned is that I’m a lot more raw, honest and direct in writing then I am in person and I need to start tranferring that into my direct “real” interactions with people. I also have a lot of walls built up and a life time of “resistence” that has helped me to survive a lot of very dark moments and protected me from a lot of hurt . This “resistance” is how I was able to survive all that I did as a kid.
I’ve gone through therapy, the 12 Step Programs and all it’s associations and I credit it all in helping me to get where I am now. However, I’m starting to see that all this “resistence” never really goes away permanently, despite everything that you do to get rid of it. It’s always sitting and waiting to creep in and you don’t realize its there until you get to a point in your life that you realize that you are being called to make significant changes.
All this “resistance” is like self sabatoge. The “voice” within that tries to feed you negativity and stops you from having faith and believing in yourself. Its very quiet and creeps up so slowly that you don’t even realize that it’s there until it’s pointed out to you. I never realized how bad it was until I humbly asked God to show what I needed to learn so that I can finally get my “yes” -the favorable answer to the request that I’ve been praying for the past few years.
Additional things that I’ve learned is that I need to be more open and listen to people more. I get so busy and wrapped up in my career and in my own thoughts that I forget to do that. By doing so, I m missing out on a lot of connections and opportunities to build friendships.
Once I realized that, I started asking God to send more people in my life that I can befriend to grow and learn from in the way that He’d like me to do. He has definetly been doing that. I’ve made several new friends in the past couple of weeks and in the course of doing so, everything that I’ve been learning has been validated in some form or fashion. One friendship in particular never would ve happened, if I didn’t recognize the “resistance” I originally put up when we first encountered.
I’ve also noticed that I’m learning how not to be so hard on myself. My biggest flaw has always been perfectionism. It’s like its engrained in me that I have to have friendships, my career, my daughter’s life…everything in my life to go perfectly and have it all fall into place as I see fit…and that I always have to say the right things and if I don’t, I will f** things all up. In the midst of doing this, I forgot that people just do things and shit just happens and that it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve done anything wrong. I’m also remembering that I’m human and making mistakes is just part of life.
My “self care” regime has also gotten better. I’m working out again and eating better, as well as taking time out to relax some. I’m even taking more lunch breaks at work ( I typically work through lunch)
One thing that I’ve always wanted to learn was photography. It’s always been that “one” thing that I said I wanted to learn “one day”.
Although, my childhood was tragic, I know that my parents loved me the very best that they could and did the best that they were capable of doing. My dad, or the man that I refer to as my dad, learned photography when he was in the Army and continued with it until he died. He was very talented and he inspired me to want to learn. After he passed, I was given his camera, which was his most prized possession. The camera is know pretty outdated but I still want to learn it-because it was his and it’s the only thing that I have of him.
On the morning of New Years Day, I woke up and decided that “one day” was going to be that day. I went online and ordered my first “real” camera along with a “bundle” of accessories and I signed up for a photograpy class. My plan is to learn this new “high tech” camera first and then start learning my dad’s film version. I’m very excited about finally being able to do something that I’ve always wanted to do!
So, thats where I am now and the progress that I have made in the past 12 days or so. I’m really enjoying this “journey” and I’m grateful that I didn’t ignore the call to start it.
In another week or so, I’m looking forward to reflecting back again to see how much more I have grown and I’m very excited to see what else God reveals and brings to me.
Hopefully, I’m on the right path to finally getting my “yes”
Thanks for reading,
Peace & love