The journey to my “yes”part II When God says no


If you guys remember, I recently wrote a post titled “When God says no”. In it, I talked about how I’ve been praying for one specific thing for years now and it keeps getting rejected.

So, I decided to dig deeper spiritually and ask God to show me what I need to do/learn/overcome in order to finally get my “yes”

Ever since then, I’ve been praying and mediating heavily every day. I’m currently on my 3rd novena and I  have been talking and praying to God constantly throughout the day. There were even moments that I felt the need to drop everything and go somewhere private and pray for specific things.

The following are some of the things that have been revealed to me:

  1. God is everything or He is nothing. I need to put my dependence on Him again. My self worth, as well as all of my needs, should be placed on HIM-not on me or anyone else.  This is something that I ve always known but I’ve become so wrapped up in myself and life that I phased it out.

2.  Healing. One of the things that I felt the need to drop on my knees to pray about is            healing from a relationship.

3. Purge. I need to purge. I’ve bought my home in 2000 and I still have boxes in closets that I never unpacked and a cluttered extra bedroom that is never used. A lot of the stuff is reminders of my past and my marriage. I’ve made huge leaps in getting rid of a lot of stuff and reorganizing in the past few days.

4.  I need to take better care of myself.  I’m a workaholic. Since  I don’t have a very big family,  my daughter and work are basically all that I have. My job is what provides for my daughter so I always throw myself into it. I’m the one that always goes in early, stays late, works through lunches and  weekends.  In the past, I always volunteered to work every holiday that my daughter wasn’t with me. When I was doing hospice, I worked Mon-Fri and did 24/7 call and went up to a month at a time without a day off.

Almost 2 years ago, I was blessed to get a job with the absolute best company that I have ever worked for thus far in my nursing career.  I absolutely love my job and my company and I look forward to going to work every day. So I get so wrapped up in it that I completely block out everything else and hyperfocus on my job. I m really good at it and take great pride in that but I forget that my life can’t be all about it.

One of the things that I love to do is run and work out. However, I’ve been so caught up in work that I just let it slide to the wayside. I also enjoy eating healthy but that has also gone out the window as of late.

Since I haven’t been taking the time to take care of myself, my anxiety level has been through the roof. I’ve had moments of wondering if I needed a daily Rx. Having to face a possible breast cancer diagnosis last month certainely didn’t help things either.

So, I’ve been working on taking care of me again. I actually took 7 days off work since my last post and went on a couple of mini vacay’s with my daughter. Also,  I started working out again. Since then, my stress level has dropped dramatically.

I need to ask God to help me to take time for myself every day. It’s just not healthy for me to keep going like that and I will never have time for my “yes” if I don’t change it.

5.  Self sabotage, perfectionism and beating myself up. I do this all the freaking time. If you read my post regarding my 29th sobriety bday (miracles do happen), then you know that I was raised in a pretty dysfunctional home and grew up being told that “I was a lazy good for nothing kid that would never amount to anything”. Those kinds of words stick in the depths of your subconcious. On the surface level, I’m over it but deep down, I think it still lingers and sabatages me without me even knowing it. I need to get rid of it. I’m constantly fighting a little voice that tells me that I’m not good enough-despite how far I have come in my life. As I said, on the surface level, I know that not to be true but its like a little devil sitting on my shoulder waiting to jump in and take over.   I always always beat myself up as well-for any little thing that I don’t do perfectly

I grew up Catholic but I have been going to a non demoninational church. However, for Christmas Eve, I felt drawn to go to mass for the first time in years. I couldn’t understand why I wanted to go  until the priest gave out a free book to everyone. The book is called “Resisting Happiness” by Matthew Kelly. It’s about how we subconciusly block ourselves from happiness and how to overcome it. God knew exactly what He was doing when he directed me to that mass. He always knows what we need.

So I am now reading this book and doing what is suggested. Hopefully that will help as well. I want to finally have my “yes”.

Thanks for reading. I hope everyone had a very special Christmas.

Till next time…

God’s Speed

 

 

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