*This is another repost from my original blog and the follow up after “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, again written over a year ago”
Some of the things that I touched on my last post has inspired me to take things a little further. Speaking of the older gentleman ,who so graciously accepted my rejection,and praised me for having class triggered numerous things for me.
It seems as though old fashioned values such as class, respect and consideration of/for others is a very rare thing these days. In the world of instant gratification those very valuable things seem to get lost, especially so in the world of online dating.
I truly believe that people forget that there are other people-with feelings-sitting on the other side of the computer. The virtual world depersonalizes social interactions. Also, I”m almost completely convinced that there is less value placed on a person that someone meets on an online dating site then on a person that someone meets in person. Example: A girl that a guy meets online will not be taken as seriously as a girl a guy meets in person. At least, that is my own personal experience anyway. Over the summer I was talking to someone that I “met” online. We actually had hour long phone conversions and messaged each other constantly throughout the day. At the time, I actually believed that I was going to finally meet a “good one”. We had plans to meet but then he went *poof* right into thin air –no good by, no I”m sorry…not even a “F you”. A couple of months ago, he popped back up with a message ” sorry I disappeared…really enjoyed talking to you and hoping we can start talking again” To make a long story short, he was actually seeing someone while talking to me and then made it official, which is why he walked away from me. She was someone he met in person and I was just the “internet girl”. He didn’t seem to understand why I was upset over how he handled that situation. I honestly don’t think I was being unreasonable. He wasn’t someone I was just talking to every now and then. It was daily communication and the last conversation was about us meeting. Continuing on, he persistently kept contacting me and told me what I wanted to hear, which was that he realized he messed up and should’ve done it differently. I have a lot of respect for someone who can admit that they were wrong. I’m a very forgiving person because I’ve made a lot of major mistakes myself. It was people that gave me 2nd, 3rd and sometimes 4th chances that showed me the importance of forgiveness and new beginnings. So, I agreed to go meet him one night, although I was hesitant. He clearly could not appreciate that even though I was guarded, I was still open and trying to give him a chance. He acted as though, I should’ve been ready to jump right in with no misgivings and seemed to be oblivious to the fact that I needed assurance that he would not repeat the same mistake. At the end of the night, he asked to see me again and I told him I’d think about it. My head was spinning on the way home because I just didn’t know what to think. I, then, started doubting myself and wondered if I was just taking it all too serious and needed to lighten up. I messaged him after I got home and told him that I would see him again but he didn’t answer me back. I messaged him again 2 days later and he still didn’t respond. I gave up once I realized he was “ghosting” again. Forgiveness is important to me but at the same time, I m not ignorant either. I blocked him to ensure he never contacts me again. I will not allow anyone to take advantage of my kindness and forgiving nature. One of the most disheartening aspects about the situation is that he is someone that is college educated and in the “successful” category and I actually know some of his family, who are all very well respected members of the community.
If you read my last blog, you know that I’ve been getting a lot of insulting emails from men that did not handle my rejections well. Do you seriously think that if this was done in person, they would call me fat, immature, etc to my face? It is very doubtful. It takes a lot of balls (or a lot of meanness) to say those ugly things to someone in person. I also get a lot of random emails from men that I’ve never spoken with before propositioning me for sex and sexual favors. I also seriously doubt these same men would just randomly walk up to a woman they don’t know and do that face to face. (Although I do know that there are some sicko’s out there) If they would not do these things in person, why do they think it’s appropriate to do online? As I said, the internet depersonalizes human interactions and people forget that there are real live humans on the receiving end.
One of the reasons, why I like responding back to emails, even though it may be a rejection, is because I know what it’s like to be rejected myself. I’m a believer in Karma and that you should treat people the way that you would like to be treated. Another recent experience of mine was with someone that I actually met and hung out with before. He was someone that I actually “messaged back and forth” with “off and on” for some time but just met him for the first time about a year ago, where we hung out once. Nothing came out of it and then we just happened to be at the same place at the same time several months ago. We had some email conversations for a few weeks. He was actually someone I respected and thought was pretty cool. One of my faults is that I hide behind my sarcasm, get nervous and don’t always know the right things to say and I have a wall up. I’m actually a “recovering fear of commitment” and a “recovering emotionally unavailable” person that don’t let people “in” very easily and have just recently, in the past 6-7 months, have started opening myself up more. Before hand, I was very closed up and private. With that being said, I have to be very comfortable with someone to show my softer side and it is a little awkward for me to start opening up to someone right now. I’m very aware that in forms of non verbal and face to face communication, my sarcasm etc can come across the wrong way to someone that doesn’t really know me. It is something that I care about in regards to people I may not know well but still respect. In any case, in this situation, I was a little concerned about that. However, for days, my friends talked to me about how I should tell him that I wanted to get to know him better. I was absolutely petrified and it took me days to build up the courage but I finally did.
He never answered me. I didn’t ask him on a date, to donate a kidney, marry me or even father a love child, I just essentially told him I respected him and wanted to get to know him better off of the dating site. If I was someone he never met or even even messaged before, I could understand him not answering but to be put in the category of “not even worth my time or this girl is crazy for thinking I would” was a little hurtful. When he didn’t answer by the next day, I just sent him another message stating I understood or something of that nature and walked away because I was not going to sit around waiting and wondering if he was going to call. I was not putting myself through that. Consequently, he didn’t answer that second email either. Another reason, I sent him the second is because it is inevitable that we will cross paths again, even with me doing everything I can to try and avoid it. When it does happen, I don’t want it to be weird for him, even though I really shouldn’t care what he feels or thinks, because his lack of response was a little on the “dick side”. Nevertheless, I do care about those types of things. He is also someone that that is considered to be “successful” , ironically. Clearly, he was only communicating with me to be nice and that is the very last thing any girl ever wants. Hopefully, the next time we are in the same place at the same time, I will notice him before he notices me so that I can hide :).
It also seems that people are a lot more replaceable online. I can’t say that I would blame someone from moving away from me if I come across the wrong way or leave some confusion. If there’s just a slight doubt or misunderstanding, why bother trying to clarify it when you can just move on to the next one without all that hassle? Personally, I think I’m worth someone’s time and patience to get to know but with all the options available online it’s a lot easier to move on. Why bother to get to know a guarded person when there are more readily available options that someone can get their instant gratification from?
With all that being said, there was a time that the word “class” was associated primarily with successful educated people. That seems to have dissipated in today’s world. I was a home health and hospice nurse for many years in a very poor parish and the main town I worked in is considered to be one of the top 20 dangerous places in America. As a whole, it’s an under educated parish that is largely welfare driven and has a very high crime rate. As a nurse, I would often go into the “ghetto” all hours of the night, by myself. I was never afraid because the men (and people) that lived there showed me more respect and consideration and demonstrated more class then a lot of the “successful, educated, professional” men that I have met online. Class is not associated with someone’s income and/or success and/or social status. It’s based on how they treat people regardless of their background. It’s now very difficult to find people with values, class, morals and respect and consideration for others.
I ended my previous blog post stating that I was in a dilemma regarding whether of not I should keep replying back with the “respectful rejection” emails because of the reactions I received from both replying back and not replying back. Writing this particular post has made the answer clear to me. Ghandi once said that you must be the change that you wish to see in the world. I do want to be an example of what I’d like to see from others. Keep in mind that I’m not perfect by any means and I do slip up. Just a few months ago, a guy messaged me telling me that I must not have any teeth because I don’t have pictures of me smiling with my mouth open. Without giving it a second thought, I replied back stating that he doesn’t have any pictures showing his feet, so that must mean he has a small___ (oops!) In any case, I am sincere and I honestly do try and strive to be that example, despite the occasional slip. When I do come across people that have the same values etc that I do, it gives me hope that there are still good and “real” people left among us. So I will continue to reply back with the respectful declines so that I can hopefully give someone else that same spark of hope and maybe even demonstrate some class. Ideally, they will turn around and pass it on to someone else.
Thanks for reading
Peace & love