As real as it gets…


*this is another repost. I wrote this a long time ago after a very bad day obviously. I got over it after I got it all out–so I’m fine 🙂 . Just thought I’d share in case someone out there is in the same place and needs to know that they are not alone*

I’ve been through a lot in my life. My childhood was so an easy one and I suffered through different forms of abuse. I do not blame or hate my parents. They did the absolutely best they could with the only way of life that they knew at the time. You don’t know what you don’t know and they didn’t know any different. However, my start in life was not ideal. That in turn, of course lead me down a lot of wrong and self destructive paths. I truly believe that’s why I m such a non judgmental person and easy going person today.

Some of the things I’ve dealt/deal with: spent 3 months in a state rehab facility when I was only in high school, suffered through major depression that made me want to end my life on several occasions, lost 4 family members to suicide, lost my father in a horrific accident, have a biological father and his family that don’t want me in their lives, had many toxic relationships etc. I’ve done things that I’m so ashamed of that I could never publicly talk about out of respect for my daughter and family.

So who the am I to judge anyone else? I actually have a lot of compassion, understanding and respect for others that are trudging down the same and/or similar dark roads that I have.

A lot of great things have come out of the things that I’ve experienced. It’s made me a stronger, wiser and kinder person. They also taught me the importance of life, small overlooked details and unconditional love. I’ve also have received a lot of great character strengths that I’m so grateful for.

Some of the things I m so grateful for is having the ability to be honest and can admit that I’m wrong and/or inconsiderate and be able to apologize for that. See, I’ve learned that life is not always about me. There are other people in this world too and they have feelings, wants, needs in the same way that I do. My feelings, wants, needs are not any more important then theirs and they deserve to have the same respect and consideration that I do. Again, it’s not only about me. When I’m inconsiderate, rude and selfish, I can hurt others, whether intentionally or not.

So I’m very blessed to be able to at least say, “hey, I m sorry I was selfish and inconsiderate” I’m also very grateful that I can take 100% complete responsible for all my actions, even in regards to toxic relationships. Instead of blaming everything on others, I look at the role that I played in the situation instead so that I can learn how to do if differently next time. Most of the time, it’s my actions, or lack of them, that set the ball rolling anyway

I’m a very positive person for the most part. There’s always a positive side to every situation, even though you may not see it at first. To keep myself from getting into a negative state, I try to focus on the good, the blessing, trust that God has something better in store. I do everything I can, to keep myself from getting drawn into negativity and drama. I’m always encouraging people, trying to get them out of their dismay and maybe even help give them a little hope. At work, my coworkers are always making comments about my personality, how great I am to work with, always positive and such.

With all of the above being said, I am still human and have a breaking point just like anyone else. I am completely drained and fatigued today. Now in the physical sense but the emotional sense. To be honest, I just feel like I’m done emotionally and mentally right now with absolutely nothing left inside to give.

Today was a difficult day. Actually, it all started late last night for me. I had an emotional moment, started having an allergic reaction to some sort of bug bite, had an issue with my daughter and didn’t get any sleep. This morning, I didn’t get out of bed till the last minute, was running late, couldn’t find clothes and didn’t grab anything to eat. All routine every stuff that you don’t think is important until it gets messed up.

Before getting to work, I pulled myself together and no one had any idea that I had stuff going on. Things were ok until my allergic reaction started getting worse and was literally watching the swelling and redness travel up my arm. Unfortunately, I have a lot of many types of allergies with some being more severe then others. This wasn’t a huge issue for me, because I’m accustomed to it, but my boss and coworkers were insisting I drop everything and go to a clinic around the way.

After I got my cortisone shot, I got the usual spill of how dangerous it is for me with my allergies, that I have to be careful, blah blah blah. I get it every single time I have a reaction and I stopped paying attention to that speech a long time ago. However, the PA mentioned something that caught my attention and just got the despondent feelings rolling again. She mentioned that I shouldn’t be alone when I’m experiencing a reaction.

Who does she expect me to be with? I essentially live alone, with the exception of my dogs and my daughter that is only home part time. It was a big slap in the face that I am alone , have been for a long time and will more than likely still be for a long time. That’s an issue that I’m in total acceptance about and ok with-except today. Just not a good day to be hit with that reality.

I went back to work as normal and carried on the rest of my work. At the end of the day, I started my commute home and as I was sitting at the first major intersections, I just started crying.

I don’t really know where it came from and I just didn’t seem to have any control of it. It was if I was hit with 15 million emotions all at time and was being flooded with years of negative memories. I have a 40 -75-minute commute and just bawled the whole entire time.

I had to stop at the pharmacy before going home to get my meds for my arm. Thankfully, I remembered to look in the mirror before I got down. My expensive thick MAC mascara had streaked all over my face and I looked like I was wearing some sort of stage or Halloween make up. I had to use an old bottled water and my dogs towel, to clean myself up enough to look presentable to go in.

Now, I’m home and I continue to keep having emotional flashbacks and I just so emotionally beat and tired.

I’m tired of the men like the one that gained my trust and then ghosted me. Then regained my trust again and ghosted me again. Why did I even give him a second chance????

I’m tired of the men that say that they are going to call but never do.

I’m tired of the men that ask me out but never follow through on it.

I’m tired of being cheated on.

I’m tired of the type of men that I spend days working up the nerve to tell that I want to get to know them better and they just completely ignore me. Are they so caught up in themselves THAT much that they can’t even appreciate or recognize how hard that is for me to do? I’m a very shy and guarded person and that is a huge bold move for me and they didn’t even bother to answer me. Does they not understand how much it bothers me and leaves me  with countless unsettling thoughts going through my head?

Men, can’t you realize that when you are selfish and act like that towards a girl, she spends hours, days even sometimes weeks, beating herself up wondering what she did that was so wrong? She gets bombarded with thoughts of “was I too this”, “was I too that”, “did I say something wrong” ,”what is he thinking”,” does he think that I’m not good enough”. Even the strongest and most confidence of girls go through this to some degree.

All you have to do to alleviate that is to be honest with her, especially to a girl that has been nothing but kind to you. It just takes a few seconds to say “hey, I’m sorry, you’re really great but this isn’t going to work” or “I would love to get to know you one day but I’m going through something right now and just can’t” That’s all it takes—to think outside of yourself for only 10 seconds and take her feelings into consideration. IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!

I’m tired of men that just randomly message me for sexual favors, asking me to be in a threesome, be a swinger, be a recipient of whips and chains. They all thought that was perfectly ok to message me asking for that. I had one that even asked me “if we were dating and I had a 30-year-old virgin coworker, would you have sex with him?” WTF was that even???

I’m tired of the men that only talk to me to be nice and have no intentions of getting to know me on any level. These men are fake, send out mixed messages and make me wonder if they secretly dislike me but don’t show it or can’t be honest with me.

I’m tired of the online dating scam artists, players and player want to be’s.

I’m tired of men that I would never ever date continuously email with “you re so sexy”, “you’re so hot” and the like.

I’m tired of random strange men addressing me as “honey”, “baby”, “sexy”.. My name is Tiffany.

I’m tired of men that don’t take time to read my profile to make sure that we’re a match before emailing me and then harassing, cursing and insulting me when I reply back telling them I’m not interested.

I’m tired of the men that misrepresent themselves on their profiles giving women the impression that they are someone that they are truly not and/or not really looking for what they state they are looking for.

I’m tired of the men that are hiding the fact that they are actually married and/or in unhappy relationship and gay men that hide behind straight profiles- all for the sake of using the dating site as some sort of social experiment to help them sort out their unhappy lives. It’s not the sex freaks, booty callers, non commitment types that get hurt by these men (and women). It is people like me that are real and genuine that do. NO ONE SHOULD USE PEOPLE THAT WAY. A person that you meet online has the same feelings and needs that someone you meet in person does. They are not any less of a person then someone you meet physically face to face.

I’m tired of continuing to be nice and kind to men that have been inconsiderate towards me and clearly have no desire to have me as a real part of their lives in any kind of way.

I’m tired of giving men chances that don’t deserve them. When will I ever learn??

I’m just tired of it all and most of all, I’m tired of having my secret romantic dreams and hopes getting destroyed always being disappointed and/or hurt. I swear to God if anyone messages me with some sort of clichéd dating advice that I’ve heard 20 million times already, I. WILL. F&*KING. SCREAM!

Before anyone goes off on some sort of rant about online dating, hold up. That same kind of stuff happens with men I meet in real life too.

I’m so positive and optimistic about my life, career, family and friendships. However, with dating, I think that I ‘ve completely lost all hope. I honestly think that maybe it’s time for me to accept that I’m just meant to be alone and start making preparations for it as I’m older.

All I want is someone that I click with, can be best friends with, laugh and love with, have chemistry and attraction with, have crazy, hot, passionate sex with, be on the same mindset and lifestyle with…but I just keep getting men that can’t or don’t want to even try to give me any of that–or only want to give me bits and pieces of it. Don’t I deserve to have it all just like everyone else? What is so wrong with me that I can’t seem to get it?

I have done every clichéd thing there is, have said all the pray ers and Novena’s that I’m supposed to, have taken chances, done things differently, ALL that kinds of stuff and it always ends up the same. Someone told me once that God answers all prayers but sometimes the answer is “no”. When will He finally say yes or will He ever”?

I look around and see my friends in great marriages and see my single friends constantly going out on dates and/or always in a great relationship and I’m happy for all of them but, damn, when will I get my turn? Maybe I’m just one of those just are not meant to have one.

Some of you may be reading this right now and thinking that I’m really feeling sorry for myself and maybe you are right. It’s just where I am right here in this very moment and at this very time of me writing this. It doesn’t necessarily mean I will be this way tomorrow. I just have to let this all out to be able to process it and move on.

At the end of the day, I do know that people do things but they don’t necessarily do them to me–meaning that some of those things are not personal things against me. I know that none of those men woke up one morning thinking, “hey, I’m going to do this to Tiffany today”. However, it would just be nice to at least get a “hey, I’m sorry, I was inconsiderate and you didn’t deserve that” I would love to have someone respect and care about me enough to take my feelings in consideration and have my worth and effort valued.

The crazy thing is that I don’t hold any ill feeling towards any of those men. I don’t like their actions, in considerations and selfishness but I don’t hate them as people. I hate having resentments, grudges or any tension or bad vibes with anyone. It’s very unsettling to me. I like being at peace with everyone. In order to do that, I pray for them. Also, I pray for myself to heal and have understanding and to get rid of the anger etc. I will be doing a lot of praying tonight.

Right now, I have approximately 10 unread messages in my dating accounts. I don’t have it in me to even read any of them because I think I have given up on dating both off and on line. I just don’t think I can move forward in this area of my life right now.

However, tomorrow is a new day and a chance to dry my tears, wipe my butt off and move on. It’s time for my antihistamine now. Hopefully, it’ll help me sleep and rest well tonight so I can regain myself again.

Thanks for reading and bearing with me.

I love you all!

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