I’m being haunted this week…..……forcing self reflection…
Ten years ago, I was no where close to being the person that I am today. This was during the period when it seemed that I kept losing the battles of my depression. It left me with a low self esteem and very little self worth. It was a very confusing and difficult time for me. I didn’t know what I wanted from one day to the next or even if I wanted to continue living.
We attract what we promote so naturally the men that I dated at the time were not very healthy either. This led me down a long trail of toxicity and self compromising. One part of me only wanted crazy hot insane sex with no strings. However, at the same time ,there was another part of me that so desperately craved to be loved in the real way.
I was also very closed up and I withdrew myself from people around me and rarely let anyone “in” emotionally.
Approximately 5 years ago, I decided that I had enough of having a black cloud looming over me. I don’t know how I was able to gather the strength to do it but I walked away from the one situation that was largely responsible for a lot of my emotional instability. I just turned around and walked……and never looked back. The further away I got from that momentous day, the lighter the black cloud had become. It eventually dissipated without me even realizing it.
I went on to excel in my career and accomplish things that I never thought were possible. The depression also eventually turned into an optimistic outlook and I gradually started letting down my walls ,somewhat, and started allowing people to get close to me.
My life has changed a lot since then and I’m so proud of myself for everything that I have overcome. As a matter of fact, the past 2 years has been so exceptionally great that I largely forgot what my life used to be like…until…
A couple of days ago when I was blindsided by a very unexpected FB message. One single message that contained less than 10 words started to bring my past back. Not only did I start remembering all the very specific details but I also started feeling all of the negativity associated with them. The black cloud started to rise up once more.
One. Single. Message.
The past couple of nights have been very restless for me because I felt as if my emotions had become possessed by the memories. However, around 1 30 this morning, I decided to put it behind me again and walked away once more.
Today was better. I can feel the ominous cloud starting to lift and my soul is being freed again. Tomorrow will be even better and it will continue to get better every day thereafter.
In order to completely be free from the negativity, I’m starting to focus on how much I’ve grown. As difficult as it’s been, I am able to see the different person that I have become and it gives me an immense amount of gratitude.
I do not want to step back and sink into the abyss that I was in before. Today, I no longer allow myself to compromise my values or sense of self. It’s been a long road but I know my worth now and will not allow myself to settle. This allowed me to be able to turn my back on it much more easily this time.
Presently, I still do want the crazy hot insane sex but I want it to be with just one special guy that I can have a monogamous relationship with—and can feel safe, stable and secure with. The one guy that will value my worth and “get me” and maybe even spoil me some. I’ve never really had a guy to go out of his way and do nice things for me before. I used to think that I didn’t really deserve a lot of that but now I want it. With the exception of when I had my daughter, I never had a guy call a floral shop to have flowers delivered to me. One day, I want to be the girl in the office that is envied when the beautiful arrangement arrives as opposed to always being in the reverse role.
One thing that I do know for sure is that I will never have those great things if I keep myself in the past. Dwelling in the past keeps you trapped in it. I want to move ahead so that I can obtain those wonderful blessings that I can finally allow myself to have now.
The more I type this, the more I feel like I’m being “released” and ready to put the past couple of days further and further behind me.
I’m so grateful for this opportunity to be able to self reflect and heal once more.
Thanks for reading,
Peace & love,