I was sitting at my desk this morning and the thought hit me that I needed to check Blog.com so I did………
…..and it came up. It freaken came up! My heart just dropped and I started tearing up. I wasn’t sure how long it’d be up so I immediately starting taking pics of my posts. I went into the order of importance.
After I snapped the posts of my dad and Doc, it went down again.
A little while later, it went up again and I was able to grab some more before it crashed again….
I played that game off and on all day in between my demanding job and trying to hide from the “big boss” that was in today.
Eventually, I was able to get it all…ALL!
All I can do when I think about it now is cry. I been crying off and on all day. The past few days has been a huge emotional roller coaster.
I honestly thought I lost it all for good and was doing everything I could to stay focused on the future, ignore the pit in my stomach and search for some sort of symbolic meaning….search for anything to make me feel and believe like it was gonna be ok.
You guys seriously don’t know what this has been like…
However, I must say that I did learn and grow so much from this. I never knew how much my writings really meant to me until now…So much emotion, time, blood, sweat, laughter and tears behind every post…especially the ones about my dad and Doc.
As I looked at some of the dating related ones, I didn’t even want to save most of them–just wanted to chunk them but I saved them anyway. That in itself, is a sign of how much I’ve grown in the past year……and I have completely let go off a lot of that crap, which brings a lot of freedom…
After I cleared the site all out, I couldn’t even stand to look at it anymore and just deleted the whole damn thing. I will eventually start reposting some of them here…..
Still ready for new beginnings and all the “new” stuff I was focusing on. Still, in some way, I’m grateful that it happened, despite the mental toll. So much was brought to light.
It’s almost as if it happened to specifically show me a lesson and force me to look within, although it may take me a few days to process it all….
I was lost when I thought my writings were all gone…….but now I feel like I’ve been found again…..but in a whole new level……with a whole new spirit, as if I’ve been purged of a lot of negativity…but yet at the same time, still felt a loss of meaningful things…but yet, still felt like there was a blessing
It’s all very hard to describe…..and identify…and feel…
I’m looking forward to what all this will lead….ready for the new!
Also looking forward to being able to sleep again 🙂