So…..here I find myself starting all over again….
For those of you that may be just coming aboard, I previously had a blog with Blog.Com. The majority of it was based upon my experience with years of dating both online and offline. However, I did have other heartfelt topics discussed as well.
I was very fortunate to have a dating website from Great Britain retweet a link to one of my blog posts. After that, my blog’s popularity sky rocketed and was being read internationally in 13 countries and approximately 30 states, according to Google Analytics. In addition, I started having “Hollywood types” start following me on Twitter. I had complete strangers contacting me and was being encouraged to get published. It was the most amazing feeling ever…….and then……..then.. Blog.Com permanently went down– taking all of my writings with it.
I put in many late night/early morning hours pouring my heart and soul into those posts. Losing them is the equivalent of an artist having their original work destroyed and/or a musician losing their initial recordings. My loss is of no difference. It never once occurred to me that the actual web site would go down indefinitely. Therefore, for the most part, all my originals were done on the site.
When the site first went down in July, I didn’t think that much of it since it did go down often. However, it would be only for a few days at a time and I had plans to move it to a different host but never had the chance to do so. Until yesterday, I never spoke one word of it because in the time span of July until now, I was not ready to face the truth. Daily, I’d find myself researching and desperately trying to find out information that may help me get back in. At first, I didn’t know that it was gone for good and was thinking that there may be a broken link or something along those line. So, I searched for back door links and solutions for the error messages received, etc. In doing so, I came across a web site that pings sites to find out if they are down or not. I would check that site many times a day with no avail or hope.
I did come across their customer service number. Yesterday, 9/30/16, as I was alone on my lunch break, I decided to call as I was sitting on the patio of the restaurant I was at. The person that answered had a very thick foreign accent, pretended like he didn’t know what I was talking about and gave me another number to call. I called the other number and essentially got the same thing……and then I knew for sure….
I sat there in the eatery alone, amongst a crowd around me, and buried my face in my hands and fervently tried to keep myself from crying. Somehow, I composed myself without going into a full melt down and told myself that I had to figure out a way to accept it.
My mind started racing over each and every single post that I wrote. As I previously stated, most were inspired from my dating experiences. Even though, I am open in sharing a lot of myself in my writings, I still maintain a lot of privacy for both myself and the people that are in my life. Publically talking about every single detail of a bad date or relationship just isn’t my style. For example, if I had a negative experience with a guy that was inconsiderate, I’d be inspired to write about that particular behavior and its impact, as opposed to mentioning him or the experience that triggered it. No ever knew the real stories behind everything that I wrote about. Writing that way helps me keep the real issue in perspective while still maintaining anonymity.
In addition to the above, I had to find a way to deal with a lot of the crazy and inappropriate emails that I regularly received on the online dating sites. I got insane messages that included a guy that “drunk messaged me at 3 AM talking about my “ravishing beauty” with pictures of himself with his grandmothers handicapped toilet in the background and another from a guy that wanted to know if I would have sex with his 30-year-old virgin coworker. The “best” was from a highly educated and successful professional that “ever so politely and eloquently” asked me to f&*K him for just one night. To deal with those types of messages, I turned them into humorous posts. When you are laughing, you are not crying and I desperately needed the laughter over the tears.
The hardest loss to face is the emotional stories of two of the most influential men in my life and how both their lives and their death’s impacted me. They were written as tribute pieces. One was regarding my step father, that I thought of as my real father, and my relationship with him and his very tragic and public accident that led to his demise. The other was a physician that I worked closely with and looked up to as a father figure. I had a lot of admiration for that man and we spent many hours having heart to heart talks and he spoke to me as if I was his own daughter. For his funeral, I cried for him almost as much as I cried for my own father’s.
So, as I was sitting there in the busy restaurant thinking about all those posts, I had a thought that suddenly hit me. All of the above that was written are all a part of my past. Maybe what happened was meant to happen for a reason. How can I move forward if I’m still in yesterday? Every time I would reread one of the posts or think about them, it would remind me of the actual events that inspired the writings, even though I never made the actual story behind them known. I still knew the truths behind them and remembered them vividly, thus I continued to be emotiinally trapped by them. It’s impossible to move ahead with one foot still left behind you. It is time to just let it all go.
Regarding the tribute posts to my father and Doc: I’m very saddened that I lost those but I came to the realization that I don’t need to have people that are scattered around the world read about them to prove what those men meant to me. Dad and Doc already know…..I know in my heart that they just already know.
I texted my BFF because I needed to have my thoughts be said “out loud” to help better process them. She is the type that always believes that there are meanings behind everything. Also, she’s on the liberal side, does yoga, eats “power muffins”, listens to Amy Winehouse and is into energy healings. Whereas, I’m more conservative, like to run to burn off my cheeseburgers, prefer the power of prayer and listen to The Cult. So there are times that I may not always grasp her concept of things. Continuing on, she started referencing an article regarding the Black Moon that was to take place that night. http://www.rebellesociety.com/2016/09/30/caracampbell-black-moon/ This Black Moon is a symbolism of future change and that you are supposed to “get rid of the old to make room for the new” It just so happened to be taking place on the same day that all these realizations were occurring within myself. She also reminded me of several bizarre coincidences that happened to me preceding up to that day and she believes them to be signs of what’s to come. As much as I may hate to admit it, I just couldn’t logically argue with her this time.
Regardless of whether it’s coming from God, fate, the universe or this infamous “Black Moon”, I do believe that I’m sitting on the brink of a change that is being brought forth by me making peace with the past. This “change” will be impossible to happen if I don’t let everything go.
I’m actually very grateful to have this opportunity that is helping me grow. When negative things happen, you have a choice as to how you handle it. You can sit in it and allow it to make you miserable and keep you trapped OR you can ask God to show you what you are meant to learn from it and gain internal peace and freedom.
As happy as I am to have this chance to broaden, it’s not an experience that I ever want to happen again.:) I’m currently doing my originals in Word and will copy and paste them into my blog. That is, until Amazon delivers my “fancy” jump drive that comes complete with an insurance plan. Live and learn right?
Thanks for reading.
Peace & love,